Breaking up is hard to do -- even in the best of circumstances. The end of a relationship triggers a wide range of emotions, from sorrow to loneliness and maybe even relief. If you are the person who was let go, you are probably also feeling wronged in some way. This is absolutely normal, but to heal and move on, you can't dwell on it.
People who feel wronged after a breakup are often surprised by the ending of the relationship. They don't feel like they did anything to deserve being dumped -- and in many cases, they probably didn't. Even if they did contribute to the end of the relationship, they might not acknowledge their part in it. If you feel wronged after a breakup, it's important to take a step back and take an honest look at what happened. Try to focus on the facts of what happened. Did he tell you that you were too possessive, but you didn't make any changes to the way you behaved? Use this as an opportunity to learn from your mistakes. And if you honestly don't know what went wrong -- you feel like you were a great couple -- then realize that it wasn't you, it was him. Try not to take it personally. Maybe he wasn't ready for a commitment, or maybe you just had different visions of the future. Whatever you do, try not to let your feelings of being wronged move into feelings of resentment.
Often, feeling wronged can be the start of a vicious cycle of negative emotions. Anger and resentment soon follows. During the resentment stage, some people feel the need to exact revenge. This may cause them to lash out by verbalizing contempt for the person or even by doing things to strike back at the person in some way, such as writing an angry letter. Although these sort of actions can make a person feel better in the short run, they are more harmful than not and can delay a person's detachment from the relationship. Eventually, contempt turns to disgust, which is the last step before detachment occurs, according to psychologist and author Steven Stosny in a Psychology Today article titled, "Forgiveness After Betrayal."
Learning to Forgive
It's important to detach from the relationship -- otherwise you might find yourself being a stalker -- but the best way to do it is to forgive the person who dumped you. Forgiveness does not mean absolving the person of bad behavior, nor does it mean forgetting the hurt he caused you. It means going forward without looking back, and letting go of the negative emotions caused by the breakup. It means letting go of any grudges and taking the high road by refusing to punish your former lover. This is not easy, nor will it be a quick process, but it is the best option because it will help you move forward into a new relationship in a healthy manner.
Being Kind to Yourself
Forgiveness isn't easy, and the best way to get through the process is to be kind to yourself. Surround yourself with supportive, positive people. Splurge on a day trip to the spa. Start a new hobby, or get your mind off of yourself by volunteering to help others less fortunate than you. Remember the times when you felt loved and desired, and remind yourself that those times will come again. Most of all, forgive yourself. It's normal to feel what you've been feeling, and in time, those feelings will dissipate entirely.
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