So, you've met a great person. In the short time you've dated, things are good. As you get to know each other, you can't help but wonder: "What about the lovers before me?" It's natural to want to know what went down with your new guy or girl and their ex. When it's time for both of you to revisit the ghosts of the relationship's past, keep in mind; there's a way to go about it.
First think about why you're bringing up the past. How will this information benefit you and the relationship? Asking about old flames can be a touchy subject. It's understandable if you want to gauge more about this person and for your own protection, learn about their sexual history. If you're trying to compare yourself with the ex in superficial categories like sex or looks, then you may want to rethink your reasoning.
Wait for the right time. Asking on a first date is socially unacceptable. Getting through a first date can be a bit nerve-wracking. deeply, personal experiences with someone you hardly know can be intimidating and uncomfortable. "Guy's Eye View" writer Steve Friedman of Match.Com recommends tohave the ex-talk once you've really gotten to know each other. " That might happen on the third date. Or the fifth. Or the tenth," says Friedman. happen on the first or second."
Take your time when bringing up the ex-factor. The advice columnist Mr. Ask at ivilliage says, "Go slowly, and if they're resistant to answering don't push." His or her attention is focused on you. Who wants to bring up old, sad, drama?
Your new man or lady gave you some details about their exes, but you still want to know more. Don't just start asking around because in this digital age, word spreads like fire. Be careful who you speak with. They may not have your best interest at heart. Alternatively, they may deceive you with false information because they're jealous of your new relationship. If the word back to your lover you've been asking people about his or her past--ouch. The person who should give you the most honest info about your lover is your lover.
Steve Friedman from ivilliage also warns not to wait too long to talk about past relationships with your honey. You don't want to get deep into your new relationship and discover things that would've caused you to leave sometime ago. If you constantly feel the need to snoop, ask around, or go on Facebook and Myspace to get the scoop on your mate's old flames, reevaluate the relationship. Sounds like their could be trust issues.
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- Try to leave the past in the past if you still find the person is relationship material.
- If needed, seek a counselor for serious relationship advice.