How to Refocus the Mind After a Breakup

Many people experiencing the loss of a relationship feel disoriented, achy or even surreal.Many people experiencing the loss of a relationship feel disoriented, achy or even surreal.

Many people experiencing the loss of a love describe feelings of disorientation, surrealism, aching, or even sharp, stabbing chest pains. Others just can't seem to stop crying. If you're going through a relationship breakup and you find yourself relating to these experiences, take heart. The symptoms described will gradually lessen and disappear over time. However, there are steps you can take to speed up the process and get your mind refocused on a brighter future.

Vent Old Emotions

If you find it easier to vent your emotions through your body, try a sport like kick-boxing

Vent by finding a way to express your feelings and release the negatives. Put your feelings on paper by writing in a journal, creating song lyrics or a poem. Paint or draw to uncork the pent-up emotions. If expressing yourself physically is easier for you, take up kick boxing, martial arts or expressive dance.

Talk to supportive friends who are good listeners. It's especially helpful to talk to people who have been through a breakup themselves. People who have "walked in your shoes" can give you tips about what helped them regain their composure.

Forgive your ex and cut the energetic ties binding the two of you through a process called cording. With your eyes closed, imagine that you are in a dark room, facing your ex. Now imagine strands of light where the two of you are connected. Use an imaginary cutting tool, like scissors or a light saber, to cut the cords that still bind you to each other. As you cut the cords, imagine that you each are taking your personal power back, and ask for and give forgiveness to your ex.

Interrupt Old Thoughts

Childhood songs can often produce happy memories.

Incorporate pattern interrupts into your daily routine. Use a self-hypnosis technique called anchoring to implant a very powerful positive memory of a time when you felt happy, safe, and loved that did not include your ex. You may have to go all the way back to childhood, for example, spending time on grandpa's farm when you were 6, but that is OK.

Choose one word that describes how you felt in your safe, happy, loving memory; for example, "happy." Then think of a color that is happy; for example, pink. Now give yourself the suggestion "Anytime I say the word "happy" or see the color "pink," I'll feel just as peaceful, safe and loved as I did when I was 6 years old on grandma's farm."

A favorite holiday or family vacation might elicit wonderful memories.

Write the word "happy" (in this example) on pink sticky notes, and put them where you will notice them: bathroom mirror, computer monitor, dashboard of car. Whenever you find yourself sliding into the sad thoughts, say your affirmation and think about it floating by on beautiful pink clouds. Keep using the affirmation until you notice the sad thoughts disappear. Your mind will automatically have started replacing "sad" with "safe, happy, loving" thoughts and you can move on with your life.

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Things You Will Need

  • Writing or painting supplies (optional)
  • Sports equipment (optional)
  • Colored sticky notes
  • Pen


  • Be patient with yourself.

About the Author

Kathy Moore began writing for pay in 1999. As a former wellness center director and a Board Certified hypnotist, her writing centers around small business, holistic health and the power of the subconscious mind. Moore earned a Master of Business Administration from the University of South Carolina.

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